We're Just Not Trying to Raise Punks

noirpoised
Nov 13
3 min read

Updated: Nov 14

Are you a gentle parent—or just breaking old patterns? Ruth & Sam rip the Band-Aid off the gentle parenting vs. tough love debate

By Ruth & Sam — NoirPoised Podcast

Are We Disciplining—or Just Repeating What Hurt Us?

You ever hear yourself say something to your kid and suddenly realize it’s something your parents would’ve said to you? We discussed this realization in episode 69. But that pause between “don’t cry” and “wait... am I the problem?” is what this episode is about.

Because for a lot of us, the real question isn’t “Am I a gentle parent?”—it’s “Am I trying not to repeat what I grew up with?”

The Fear of Raising a “Soft Kid”

Ruth laughs about it now, but she remembers the exact moment she realized how much parenting has changed.

“Someone said, ‘Don’t tell me you’re one of those gentle parent types,’ and I said, ‘Hell no!’”

But when she thought about it, she wasn’t completely against it either.

She explains,

“I’m gentle when it comes to emotions. I want my kid to be emotionally intelligent. But I also don’t want to raise a punk.”

That right there? That’s the millennial crossroads — caught between breaking generational cycles and not wanting to raise a child who crumbles under pressure. We’re the in-between generation: raised on “toughen up,” trying to teach “talk it out.”

Gentle vs. Tough Love: What’s the Real Difference?

Sam puts it simply:

“Gentle parenting corrects. Tough love punishes.”

It’s a small distinction that changes everything. Gentle parenting says, “You did something wrong — let’s figure out why.”Tough love says, “You did something wrong — here’s the consequence.”

Neither is wrong. But both can go too far when they’re missing one thing: love that teaches, not love that terrifies.

How We Got Here

Millennials grew up with tough love as the standard. “Because I said so” was practically a parenting motto. We were told it built character. Maybe it did. But it also built anxiety, perfectionism, and a whole generation terrified of “talking back.”

Sam reflects,

“I remember thinking, if you love somebody, why would you hurt them? I promised myself I’d do it differently with my kids.”

So we became the parents who research attachment styles, apologize when we’re wrong, and worry about “trauma” before bedtime.

But sometimes, we overcorrect.

The Pendulum Problem

Ruth puts it plainly:

“There’s a time for emotions—and a time to toughen up.”

She explains how her approach depends on the season of her child’s life. At three years old, her daughter’s emotions matter more than rules. At fifteen, accountability will matter more than comfort.

“I’m gentle now because she’s learning emotional regulation. But at some point, I need her to hold her own. That balance is parenting.”

Balance — that’s the word we keep circling back to. Because gentle doesn’t mean permissive, and tough doesn’t have to mean cruel.

When Tough Love Turns into Trauma

Sam shares a story about champion boxer Terence Crawford:

“He said his mom has never told him she’s proud of him—not once. And he’s one of the best in the world.”

That kind of withholding is what many of us are running from.

Ruth disagrees with that approach:

“That’s not love. That’s emotional neglect disguised as discipline.”

Because discipline without connection doesn’t build strength—it builds survival skills.

And survival isn’t the same as thriving.

Teaching Without Touching

The couple laughs about their early parenting mistakes—like the time Sam thought “exposure therapy” would cure their daughter’s fear of her toy car.

“She was one,” Ruth says, “and you just… buckled her in!”

Sam drew back.

“Yeah, she didn’t touch that car for months. Lesson learned.”

They realized fear isn’t always something you conquer—it’s something you guide through.

“Sometimes, the ‘lesson’ can cause more harm than help,” Ruth admits. “If you humiliate a child to make them brave, all they’ll learn is shame.”

Rethinking What Strength Looks Like

Maybe the goal isn’t to raise tough kids—it’s to raise resilient ones.

Because toughness hardens. Resilience bends, breathes, and recovers. And resilience comes from safety, not fear.

Ruth says,

“You can be firm and loving at the same time. You can correct without crushing.”

That’s the evolution of parenting: learning that strength and softness can coexist.

The Middle Ground

Most of us live somewhere in between. We’re not spanking our kids—but we’re not letting chaos run the house either. We’re explaining feelings—but also teaching boundaries. We’re saying “I love you”—and meaning it enough to correct with care.

Sam sums it up: