Are You Healing... or Just Getting Even?
- noirpoised
- Oct 23
- 3 min read
Ruth & Sam unpack the line between healing and revenge — and how forgiveness, anger, and learned behavior shape the way we love and let go.
By Ruth & Sam — NoirPoised Podcast
When Love Turns Into a Battlefield
You’ve seen it before—two people who once whispered “I love you” now barely whisper each other’s names. Maybe they were married. Maybe they shared kids, a home, a whole life. But somewhere between the vows and the silence, something broke. One small wound became a war.
Ruth opens the conversation softly:
“How do you go from loving someone… to trying to hurt them?”
It’s a question that’s less about romance and more about reflection. Because when we’re hurt, we don’t just lash out at the person who caused it; sometimes, we aim the damage at ourselves too.
When Hurt Feels Like Power
Sam says what many of us feel but don’t admit:
“When someone’s hurt, they either try to hurt the person back—or they hurt themselves somewhere.”
It’s not always dramatic. Sometimes revenge hides in silence—the text left unanswered, the affection withheld, the story we tell mutual friends just loud enough to sting. Other times, it’s self-sabotage: drinking too much, retreating too far, convincing ourselves that shutting down is “protecting our peace.”
But peace without honesty is just emotional exile.
Learned Behavior: How We Copy Pain
Sam admits something that hits home for a lot of us—he learned his reaction to hurt from watching his father.When his dad was wronged, he’d retreat into guilt trips or self-punishment—hurt turned inward, hoping someone would notice.
“I realized I carried that into my own life,” Sam says. “I’d hurt myself just to make a point.”
Ruth nods. Her pattern looks different but comes from the same place: self-protection disguised as control.
“I just cut people off. I’ve done it my whole life. It’s not revenge—it’s safety.”
Their stories echo a larger truth: how we respond to pain is rarely random. It’s learned, patterned, repeated—until we decide to unlearn it.
The Anatomy of Anger
The episode breaks anger down into seven shades: Passive. Verbal. Chronic. Explosive. Self-inflicted. Judgmental. Overwhelmed.
Some of us turn it inward; others externalize it. But either way, anger is rarely about the moment—it’s about the meaning we attach to it.
Sam puts it simply:
“Instead of focusing on the emotion, ask what it’s trying to tell you.”
Ruth agrees:
“When I get angry now, I ask—what am I not healed from?”
It’s the kind of emotional work that turns reaction into revelation. The goal isn’t to not feel anger—it’s to stop letting it steer the car.
Forgiveness ≠ Forgetting
When the talk turns to forgiveness, Ruth draws a line in the sand:
“Forgiveness doesn’t mean acting like it never happened. It means I’m not making you pay for it anymore.”
Forgiveness is not erasure—it’s release. You can forgive and still protect yourself. You can forgive and still set boundaries. You can forgive and still choose distance over drama.
Sam presses further:
“But if someone says they forgive you… and treats you differently, did they really forgive you?”
Ruth answers carefully: “If I’ve seen a pattern, I’m not cutting you off to punish you. I’m doing it to protect me. Forgiveness means I’m not seeking revenge—but I’m not giving you the same access, either.”
Healing doesn’t always look like a reunion. Sometimes it’s wisdom with a boundary.
Hurt People, Healing People
Why does hurt from loved ones cut the deepest?Because they live in the softest parts of us. Strangers can insult you—you brush it off. But if someone you love says the same words, it cuts.
Sam calls it “the pain of expectation.”
We expect the people we love to know better. To love us the way we love them. But love isn’t immunity—it’s exposure. The closer someone gets, the more fragile the skin between you becomes.
“Everyone you interact with is a reflection of a part of you.”
Maybe that’s why healing feels so personal. Because it’s not just about what they did—it’s about what it reveals in you.
So… Are You Healing, or Just Getting Even?
Healing is quiet. Revenge is loud. One’s about reclaiming peace; the other, control.
If you’re replaying the hurt, rehearsing what you’d say if you could—pause.
Ask what the pain is trying to show you.
Sometimes the real power isn’t in making them feel it—it’s in refusing to carry it anymore.
Forgive, not to forget—but to move differently.
Not to prove a point—but to free your heart.
Because you can’t heal while still holding the weapon.
🎧 Listen to the full conversation on the NoirPoised Podcast
Episode 68 — “Are You Healing… or Just Getting Even?”
Now streaming on YouTube and all podcast platforms.
This was a read! So good and eye opening. "Ask what the pain is trying to show you". "Forgiveness doesn’t mean acting like it never happened. It means I’m not making you pay for it anymore.”... so many good takeaways.
Man, this was good! I've always thought that forgiveing meant forgetting. I struggled for years internally with the two; I felt peace for forgiving, but felt pain because I couldn't forget. I'm asking myself now what the pain is trying to teach me and how I could move on from that.