Us Before the Kids?

Ruth and Sam open up about marriage, communication, and rediscovering connection after kids — proof that love doesn’t fade; it just evolves.

by Ruth & Sam — NoirPoised Podcast

When Love Meets the Life Quake

Before the sleepless nights, the toddler meltdowns, and the scattered toys — we promised each other that our relationship would always come first, no matter what.

It was easy to say back then, not knowing what to expect once children became a part of our story. We were young in love, sharing long dinners and slow mornings. But now? With a crying baby, a sink full of bottles, and barely any time to breathe, that promise feels less like a vow and more like an experiment in endurance.

Sam brings it up, the way you revisit a dream that used to make perfect sense.

“You said the relationship comes first before the kids. Do you still feel that way?” he asks.

Ruth pauses thinking of all that has changed. “Yes,” she says. “But it looks different now.”

The Relationship Comes First — But What Does That Really Mean?

Ruth explains it with a kind of calm clarity that only a mother of two could have.

The relationship, she says, still comes first — but not at the cost of compassion.

“Our daughter’s still learning how to be in this world. She needs us in ways we don’t need each other. But in the bigger picture, if we’re not good, none of this works. One day she’ll leave, and it’ll just be us again.”

Sam nods but he didn’t always agree.

“At first, I thought kids would come first. They need more. But the more I learned, the more I realized — a healthy relationship between us is for the child, too. When kids see love, they learn love.”

It’s a truth many parents discover too late: that the foundation their children grow on is the relationship they witness every day.

Love After the Life Quake

“Having a baby is a life quake,” Ruth says, half-laughing, half-reflecting.

“Your life is never going to be the same. It’s chaotic — the house is loud, the days blur — but it’s beautiful. And one day it’ll be quiet again. Just us. And when it is, I want to know we still recognize each other”

For her, staying connected means talking to one another. Not logistics, but soul-level conversation — the kind where you rediscover who your partner is in this new season.

“Because when you’re raising kids, you’re not just raising them — you’re growing, too. We’re both changing. If we don’t talk through the chaos, we could end up being two ships passing in the night”

Sam adds, “I learned that growth isn’t the problem — silence is. If you’re not sharing what’s changing inside you, one day your partner looks up and says, ‘you’re not the same person I married’. But really, they just weren’t part of the evolution.”

The Little Things That Keep It Together

Parenthood doesn’t leave much room for grand gestures. The date nights, the vacations, the spontaneous getaways — they all shrink down to the smallest acts of care.

Sam learned that the hard way.

“I used to think love was about the big moves. But one night, I just did the dishes. And you said, ‘I love it when you take care of things in the moment.’ That stuck with me.”

Now, he says, the little things are the glue. “If you handle the small stuff right away, it stops bigger tensions from building.”

Ruth smiles, remembering a night he poured her favorite drink, set up the projector, and queued up a show.

“It was thirty minutes of peace. But it was intentional. That’s what made it special.”

The Unspoken Weight of Parenthood

Their conversation drifts to the invisible labor of new parents — the unspoken expectations, the exhaustion, the way love sometimes hides under layers of chores.

Ruth says what so many mothers feel but rarely articulate:

“If I don’t tell you what I need, how will you know? You’re not a mind reader. Communicating the workload — that’s important, too”

She explains the kind of help that actually helps: not just diaper duty, but the thoughtful things — snacks by the bed for midnight feedings, a full water bottle, the right soap for the baby’s laundry.

Sam listens.

“I used to think, if she’s doing it, why do I need to? We're a team so why should we play the same position. But relationships aren’t about dividing roles. They’re about seeing when to step in.”

That, they both agree, is what partnership looks like after kids: less about equality, more about empathy. The ability to see what the other person carries — and lighten it, even a little.

What It Means to Choose Each Other

There’s a quiet pause between them, the kind that carries both exhaustion and deep knowing.

“Communication doesn’t always have to be direct. “Sometimes it’s in the noticing — seeing what they need before they say it.”

Ruth nods in agreement. “And patience. So much patience.”

Us Before the Kids isn’t about who we used to be. It’s about who we’re still becoming — together. It’s the choice to keep showing up through the sleepless nights and small gestures, through the miscommunications and the moments of grace. It’s the reminder that even in the chaos, something sacred remains.

Because when the noise fades, and the house goes quiet again, what’s left is the promise we made long before the diapers and the bottles: to keep choosing each other.

Love, communication, and small acts of care helps to keep marriage thriving through parenthood.

✦

🎧 Episode 66 — “Us Before the Kids?”

(Available to watch on YouTube and to listen wherever you stream your podcasts.)